i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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