Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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