I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
