I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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