The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
