He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
