you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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