i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
