I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
