woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
