Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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