Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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