All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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