i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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