The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
