you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
