im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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