I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
