gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
