"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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