remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i love accidental penises.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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