My friends, they love my intelligence
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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