Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have aggressive nipples.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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