She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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