I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
