I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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