dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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