um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
