Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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