I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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