you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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