Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
