Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
