i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
