I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize