my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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