i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
