32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
