I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
