walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
