You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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