Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
