Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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