New invention idea: vibrating tampons
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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