the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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