I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
His hands were made for my vagina.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
