remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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