just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
