Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
