How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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