You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
