You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
