I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
