I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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