I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
