Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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