i think i have two assholes
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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