So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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