I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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