Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
