HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
