EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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