I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
