i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
